I’m pretty quiet about my vegetarianism. I do think my way is probably better than yours (talkin’ to you, red meat eaters), but it’s not really any of my business what you do or do not eat. Frankly, I do not care.

I do, however, care that you always feel the need to tell me what I should or should not be eating, that my diet is void of this or that, and that you think healthy eating is “anorexia”.

So since you’re so damn interested, here are my responses to the oh-so-common questions about vegetarianism.

But how do you get protein?

Well, a woman my age should get around 45g of protein each day. Where do I get mine without chicken, beef or fish? Where would you like me to begin? Beans, nuts, nut milk, tofu, quinoa, etc. If you do the dairy thing, you could also add eggs, yogurt and cheese. I don’t really do the dairy thing (or the meat thing) and yet I survive. A smoothie with almond milk in the morning, nuts as a mid-morning snack, beans and rice for lunch, apple and peanut butter before yoga, tofu for dinner. I’d say that’s sufficient.

Did you know that excessive protein consumption can contribute to osteoporosis? Yeah, get over your calcium obsessions. It’s the damn protein, says the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition. A study at the University of California San Francisco found that elderly women that eat high animal protein diets have much greater loss of hip bone density than those who consumed animal protein.

Didn’t God give humans dominion over all creatures?

Steering clear of any religious debate, I will simply direct you to the fact that humans are not designed to tear, break down and consume animal flesh. Look at your nubby little teeth, your rounded fingernails. You are not a tiger, my friend. You look more like a hippo, truth be told. So regardless of whether or not God intended for you to be the ruler of all things, he did not design your body to eat all of those things.

Why do you care so much about animals when humans are dying?

I don’t care so much about animals. I mean, I do… but that’s not necessarily why I’m a vegetarian. Yes, factory farming is atrocious and the treatment of the animals there is wrong, plain and simple. Have you ever seen a chicken truck? Alright then. But beyond the treatment of the animals is the treatment of the employees and the environment. Factory farms like those owned by Monsanto are known for descending on small, poor, rural towns to recruit low wage workers only to expose them to terrible work conditions and later drop them like a bad habit. They round up “illegal” Mexicans, too, and then turn them over to immigration when they’re done. Forget cruelty to animals. Cruelty to people.

Factory farms are also fucking up the world we live in. The residual pesticide runoff from those hell holes is infecting any clean land that would have been left for organic farming. Their cows are also burping and farting up more methane gas than the ozone layer can handle.

You’re too thin.

Well, you’re too fat. Are we done now?