The last time I was single. Here comes disaster...
Since the blogosphere has been particularly fertile as of late (See Exhibit A, B, C, D, E, F, etc.), I now feel qualified to:
- Accurately portray a pregnant lady to get out of doing things I don’t want to do (“Sorry I can’t go to get drinks with you… I’m pregnant.”)
- Determine the sex of a child based on fetal heart rate, mother’s stomach shape, height of mother’s stomach, telltale food cravings (sweet = girl, salty = boy. duh?), color of mother’s pee when mixed with Drano, mother’s acne patterns and a whole host of other completely ridiculous things
- Outfit the trendiest fucking nursery you’ve ever seen in your life
- Justify anything and everything that I consume
- Discuss farts, boobs, discharge, vomit, poop and other things that should otherwise never ever be discussed in public
- Deliver babies
- And confidently use pregnancy in an analogy knowing that, while I’ve never been pregnant myself, I know juuuust about everything there is to know thanks to the Internet.
SO…
How Breakups are like Being Pregnant
- You cry for no apparent reason
- You think you can eat anything you want
- You get fat
- You can’t sleep
- It is the only thing people will talk to you about
- In either situation, at some point you hate the man who did this to you and want him to suffer
- You wear elastic waist pants
- You miss doing all the things you used to be able to do
- You swear up and down you are never doing this shit again
- You expect gifts
You're welcome.
In keeping with the format of my friends’ pregnancy update posts, here’s my latest breakupdate…
Number of weeks along: 3
Frequency of Facebook stalking: At least 20 times a day
Number of pans of brownies consumed… this week: 1
Pounds gained so far: No fewer than 3
Cried self to sleep: 6 times
Alcoholic beverage consumption increase: 10 fold
Number of times house has been cleaned in a frenzy: 3
Hours spent driving around aimlessly just to not be at home: Probably 7
Prospective male suitors: ZERO.
As a fellow single lady that went through a ridiculous break-up, I feel your pain lady! I never thought of a break-up in terms of pregnancy like that, but it is crazy how similar the two are! You forgot to include number of pints of ice cream consumed (4….oh who are we kidding I ate more than that!). haha
I find it helps to listen to a lot of Beyonce.
listening to beyonce helps everything. i bet we’d solve the debt crisis if congress just listened to beyonce all day…
ohhh girl. Been there, this is so accurate it’s crazy. Especially the whole driving around thing…but lets be honest, I do that to get away from guys sometimes, so in my life Im just weird. ha
Love your blog and love you! Brownies are food for the soul
thanks, molly!
Haha! Who knew they were so much alike? I bet those brownies were worth it though
oh, honey! I didn’t realize you’d gone through a breakup! I’m clearly a horrible blog reader.
From one single girl to another – ((hugs))
Uhhhhhh major difference. Break up heartache = goes away (with brownies and alcohol no doubt). Pregnancy = forever consequences. And please never ever everrrrr speak of discharge on your blog
ohmygod DEAL
Ohhh Katie! I’ve never laughed about anything having to do with a breakup before, but this did it. Please write books. I never realized how similar the two are. So… how about this heat wave, huh? This whole summer thing?
If ur sadess didn’t upset me so, I’d say you are the funniest recent breaker-upper I know. U crack my a$$ up.
Love this. Going thtough a break up now…this just cheered me up. Off to make brownies and down some wine
just what the doctor ordered
As a 46 year old lady married 10 years, let me tell you….every break up leads you closer to the one you are meant to be with. I’m sorry you are so sad, been there, done that.
Cheer up buttercup!
thanks, susan!
ugh, im with ya on the break up thing girl. this made me laugh !
Sigh, best post ever. I may be the worst bloggy friend ever but I enjoy reading about your break up. The post where your status was just Stew, brought me to tears.
I know I am horrible.
haha, my misery is your entertainment, sana. WINK. just kidding. i wish you were coming to HLSSSSS
Your writing is impressive and I happen to love hearing about discharge and bodily functions being in the nursing field. Sorry for your pain. XOXO
We really need to get a drink together soon!
This cracked me up! I laughed out loud at this because the similarities between pregnancy & breakups that you pointed out are scarily accurate. I hate that you’re going through such a tough time right now, but hang in there, and keep your awesome sense of humor!
Ugh!! That title!!!
um hi, this is genius. you are completely right. one thing i have learned in the past few months is that there are few things that a pair of stretchy pants and a good baking session (or a sweaty-ass yoga session) can’t fix. happy monday! sending you a big hug, let’s hang out soon.
Hahahaha, I just hit the 1 month mark of my break up today, and your analogy sounds pretty familiar. This part is so awful… but I agree with Susan ^, we’re both going to get through this and ultimately be happier.
Awwww
well at least you have an excuse to eat a full pan of brownies. How often in life does that happen?
And come on, elastic pants are the sh*t. Chin up!!
haha. “elastic pants are the shit” is an awesome statement.
i live my life by that statement.
Its official, your sarcasm is hilarious and entertains me greatly. I hope Weaz and Ralph enjoy it as much as I do. Hope to see you soon, maybe a coffee and a yoga date?
i’d love that!
Hilarious!
sending some happy vibes your way…
best. post. ever. LMAO
Love the comparisons.
~
I just hit the two week mark of my break up and it is exactly how you desribe it. It is also 12891x more expensive to be single. Paying for my own dinners suck!
ohmygod, yessssss. and rent and bills and everything else, too.
Yes! Luckily my aunts took pity on me and took me in and want no rent. Which is good considering I now live in the sticks and instead of being 5 minutes from my office I am 30 minutes. So all my rent money is going in my gas tank. Ugh. Guys suck.
This post made me laugh! I am sorry you are going through a tough time, but I am happy you are keeping it real! Also- been there with the driving around aimlessly thing…Except mine usually entailed screaming/crying fits like a five year old.
Also- have you tried Luna’s lasagna? Out-Of- This- World!
luna’s.is.a.ma.zing. best food in charlotte. blaaaarrrrrgghhh now i want it. NOW.
Sounds like we need to go uptown & find some guys!
haha, oh girrrrl, you don’t even know.
I’m about two weeks behind you on the breakup train. Just ended a 5.5 year long relationship.
Hardest thing I’ve ever done… But I know it’s right.
Even when it feels like you’re losing, know that you’re winning.
To quote The Holiday (which I watched today…. breakups are an excuse to watch as many trashy/girly movies as I want) – ‘be the leading lady in your own life!’
This post made me smile, and it made me laugh. So thank you.
sorry to hear about your breakup! thanks for sending some love my way
I just celebrated my two year wedding anniversary. Before you hit me with a shoe, let me tell you that it was on the heels of the worst break-up ever. In fact, my husband’s ex is the girl my ex cheated on me with. That’s how we met. We didn’t get together because of them, but it was because of them that we met. It’s been the best two years of my life, and even though things feel terrible now, every slammed door opens another somewhere…
aw, congratulations! thanks for the hope!
I don’t think I’ve ever seen breakups compared to pregnancy before, but now it’s obvious. And since guys don’t get pregnant that explains why we deal with breakups differently! (Although I do recall eating lots of brownies back then. And ice cream. And brownies in ice cream. And…) Well, maybe not so differently. Still, I definitely enjoyed the post!
ha, excessive brownie consumption post-break up is a gender neutral act of desperation.
UM – this is HYSTERICAL! Just found it through Caitlin’s tweet. Will be checking back
thanks for stopping by!
I just found your blog, and believe me, this is exactly what I needed to read today! My boyfriend and I broke up 3 days ago.
I FEEL YOUR PAIN!
aw, sorry to hear that! we shall survive.
You already know I’m going through a breakup…well, have gone through a breakup, it was nearly 4 months ago now. It still hurts a lot, though. I’m kind of amazed I’m still alive sometimes, because the despair has threatened to swallow me up a billion times.
If you don’t have a bunch of suitors, the guys around you are missing OUT. I think you’re going to do fine; you are so vivacious, smart, talented, and full of life. Good things are coming your way.
thanks, girl!
[...] had eggs benedict with spinach and veggies sausage and a side of potatoes. As Katie so hilariously pointed out a few days ago, breakups are a bit like pregnancies – they really [...]