Put on your rant pants...
Today I took no fewer than three long walks. I used to do some of my best thinking while running, but then I got hurt and stopped running. So I started doing my best thinking in the shower, but I hate my current shower so I don’t spend a lot of time in there. So THEN I did my best thinking in yoga, but I eventually learned how to not think in yoga (which is kind of the point) and now I have no time to think at all. You see?
So wandering around today was good. And necessary.
What I realized, more or less, whilst wandering aimlessly is that I’m doing just fine. I am fine.
I hold really high expectations for myself and when I’m not able to meet them (which is, uh, an hourly occurrence at present), things get ugly. Suddenly when things don’t go quite as I’d expected, I am not good enough or smart enough or social enough or mature enough or flexible enough or desirable enough or friendly enough or giving enough or responsible enough or funny enough or happy enough. The list goes on and on.
So then I was thinking about how things get pretty ugly any time we hold expectations. And herein lies the root of every problem in my life.
I have these expectations about who I should be, where I should be, how much money I should be making (and spending and saving), how people should treat me, when I should achieve certain milestones, how many more cats I should get… and so on and so on. The problem with expectations is that they’re just stories. They are complete fabrications of the mind. Whether they actually happen or not is irrelevant. I spend all this time and energy trying to will them into existence, but the fact of the matter is expectations do not exist.
Now, I’m not saying we shouldn’t think about the future, set goals and dream big. But the difference between creating expectations and setting goals is that expectations are these non-existent, futuristic, intangible things that detach me from the real world; goals are planned future events rooted in reality. Expectations leave me so lost in the imaginary world in my head hoping and wishing and fearing that I lose all sight of the present moment; goals set me on fire and send me out into the world to make shit happen.
I think I’ve been so mad at myself lately (and that’s really what all this has been about) because I had these grand expectations for how things would be going in my life right about now and they simply did not (and will not) happen. These things had to do with my career, with my education, with my finances and, of course, with my relationship. And let me tell you, it’s one thing to create expectations for yourself and another beast entirely when you project them onto someone else. Especially a significant other.
I like to think that were I not so blinded by my expectations of where Stew and I were going and when we would get there and who he would be and who I would be, I might have been able to see that we simply weren’t going to work. Or perhaps, without all those expectations in the way, I would’ve seen that what we had right that very second was pretty perfect. Maybe, upon realizing it wasn’t working, I could’ve directed my energy towards making it work. Or, on the other hand, maybe I could’ve cut my losses sooner and moved the hell on with my real life instead of trying to force us into the imaginary life I’d created in my head. Who knows? The point is, having expectations didn’t get me anywhere in the end.
When I get lost in my expectations of who I should be and what my life should look like, I experience a complete loss of power and control. I feel helpless and hopeless. Now that I’ve realized this, can’t nothing stop me now, y’all.
You see, I have these goals and I know what I have to do to get to them and those steps lie in the present moment. Every day I’m getting closer. It’s already happening right now. I am the one I’ve been waiting for. I am living the dream.
So those are the things I realized today. I have no regrets. I have no expectations. I choose this. I choose this. I choose this.
Now. Don’t we all miss the happy-go-lucky, light-hearted, completely ridiculous Katie from two years ago? I know I do. I’m back, bitches.
Omg. I had this same realization about “expectations/should be/need to be” right before my birthday, and now that I’ve been able to put all that aside, I’m in a much better place.
Glad you are feeling back to your usual self! Have a great night!!!
100% get this and do the exact same. This is so very well-written…..you’ve put into words everything that I’ve been figuring out for the last few months.
Thank you.
Katie, I’ve never commented before, but I LOVE you!!! You are amazing and real and sharp and wise and….amazing. I know I said that aready, but I love sweettaterblog and I’m so glad you’re back! and p.s. you give me advice without knowing it
You’re kind of my hero Katie. When I read your blog I feel like you’re saying the words in my head. It is crazy how similar our circumstances are right now. Thank-you for being so honest in your posts. It makes me feel less lonely and crazy! I’m sure I’m not the only one you’re helping.
This is the best post you’ve written, and one of the best things I’ve ever read. Selfishly, I feel this post articulates everything I’ve been trying (and failing) to express and realize in my own life. Unselfishly, I’m glad you’re back, biatch!
This makes perfect sense to my head, and I’m sending it over to a friend who I know it will make perfect sense to as well. Great post, thank you!
: )
This is a great post…you’re awesome! Glad to hear you’re back
you are enough… and more.
I think you’ve managed to articulate what so many of us have been feeling/experiencing. I went through a similar epiphany about a year ago, after I moved all the way across the country with a very set idea of how I thought/wanted my life to look. Nothing ended up working out as I had planned (and I had planned A LOT), and to say I was devastated would be an understatement. But it took losing control and having things not work out for me to gain clarity on what’s important and to let go of the unrealistic expectations of how I had thought things should be. That’s a very freeing feeling, and I truly have an appreciation for my present life.
Sounds like taking a sick day was the best thing you could have done for yourself in that moment. I’m happy you’re happy with where you are!
I’ve actually been thinking about this a lot lately. Have you heard the quote (I believe it’s Woody Allen) “The easiest way to make God laugh is to tell him your plans.” Totally true.
Hallelujah…I love taking long walks that end in aha moments. Good for you, girl!
I love this post! I’m having a hard time with this as well, as I can’t seem to tell the difference between goals and expectations and I have a bad case of the-grass-is-greener syndrome. I think I’m ok with letting go of expectations about where I thought I’d be, but I still can’t figure out my goals – which is no big deal except that if I can’t figure them out, I can’t work towards them, which makes me feel like I’m wasting precious time!
I really needed this today. Phenomenal post.
I feel like I should be “further along” in my life and find myself getting caught up in my own craziness. Further along in what?!
I’m happy and healthy. What else do I need?
Hear Hear, and Cheers!
Such an inspiring post! I feel the same way a lot of the time and am constantly reminded by my husband that I am good enough and what’s here and now is what matters. I’m really trying to focus on the now, rather than the later (and all the “failures” in between).
What a great post! I think we all (at least I hope we all, because I know I do) struggle with setting too many expectations for ourselves. I know I tend to struggle at times with grass-is-greener syndrome, but I’m getting better at recognizing my strengths and noticing all my blessings and really focusing on living in the moment
This is wonderful. So true. I think we can all relate to setting ridiculous expectations for ourselves. In reality, if we just step back for a minute and realize that we are doing the best we can, that will be enough. Thanks for reminding me of that, Katie! You’re a gem. <3
Thank you for this…also in the midst of a crazy semester, it’s exactly what I needed to hear.
wow- this is so eloquent and so so true. i’m glad you’ve come to this realization and i’m glad you shared it with us! it resonates so much with me right now, and i really needed to read this today.
I feel like you’re writing my mind
I guess it’s a type A thing to have high expectations.. we can’t help it but we are still awesome! 
but yes sometimes it gets a little annoying… I found zenhabits.net helpful to achieve more by doing less… you should check out that blog if you have the time 
Thank you thank you thank you for this. I recently moved across the country with my husband and I am so frustrated and angry at myself ALL the time because I feel like I am not meeting expectations – with my career, with my social life (but especially with my career). Just last night, the husband said “you’ve got to stop beating yourself up. Because you’re tough and committed and stubborn…and if you decide to beat yourself up about this, you will until there’s nothing left. Until you’re beaten.”
And he (and you) are so RIGHT! I expected that I would rise about a national recession and find THE job. I expected to be successful. I’m not (right now), but maybe that’s ok. Maybe I am ok. Not ‘going to be ok’ but actually AM, in the present, just fine right now. Just as I am.
I didn’t mean to write a novel here, but you really resonated with me. Thank you.
This is a great post. Means a lot!
Wonderful post. I remember reading on another blog (possibly from someone in AA), that ‘expectations are just resentments under construction’. It was like a lightening bolt in my life, and I’ve been trying to abide by its meaning ever since.
The best advice I got on my wedding day “Never expect anything and you will never be disappointed.” Seemed weird at the time, but so true.
My thoughts exactly.
Why didn’t we hang out more in school?
Glad you’re back, bitch.
Xoxo
awesome post. i think that sometimes expectations are a picture of the future we think everyone else wants for us, but goals are what we personally choose to want. even 5 years out of furman, i feel like i’m still shaking off the mentality that you’re supposed to be successful in a career, out of grad school, changing/traveling the world, making good money AND married with a kid by the time you’re 25. oh, and join the junior league while you’re at it. i’m 27 and a total failure by those standards, but i’m ok with that
i heard once to draw a picture/collage that shows every single thing you think parents, others, etc. ever wanted for you or expected of you and look at how completely unrealistic and unlivable that would be. sorry to write long response — loved this post!
Katie! I LOVE your blog. I just discovered it a few weeks ago. This post in particular captured me. It’s so true. We have such high expectations for ourselves and tend to focus more on what we haven’t done, rather than what we have. And I love your mantra or for me it was a mantra ‘i choose this. i choose this. i choose this.’ I am going through similar changes as you. I work in software sales, to but more and more the world of health and BLOGGING is capturing my heart! I am going to look into Masters of Health schools. Any advice on what pre-req to start with??
!!
Also, I finally sat down and launched my blog! Would love any advice
http://skinnyhealthyme.wordpress.com/
Take care and keep the posts coming!!!
This is so spot on.
I cannot describe how much I needed this. Thank you so much for being an inspiration and making me want to get back out there and do what I want. I am bookmarking this post so I can always remind myself to quit with the damn expectations.
go get it, girl