Or... I Hope You Die Blondies
I can safely say that I have never wished death upon anyone. That was, of course, until today when I saw a picture of my ex with his new girlfriend. (At which point I promptly deleted my Facebook account.) It’s not like I’m proud of this little lapse in my sanity and humanity, but come on, guys. Come. on. She was holding a pumpkin. A pumpkin! Everyone knows fall is my favorite season, a right that is protected in Girl Code article 13, section 9, which clearly states: No future girlfriends may be photographed carrying hallmark produce representative of former girlfriend’s favorite season. Um, hello. Everyone knows this.
So. As you can see, I lost my mind today. At first I thought: Bitch, I hope you die.
And then I thought: Well that’s not very nice at all… You realize you’ve been seeing someone else for months now, right? You silly hypocrite.
And then I thought: NO MORE THOUGHTS. JUST BAKE.
And this is what I did. Things were going very well. I was heating butter for my blondies and gathering goods for black pepper brown sugar cookies, banana bread and oatmeal cookies (What? A PUMPKIN, GUYS. Stop judging me.) when all of the sudden…
Karma, ya betch.
Since when can Pyrex dishes not be heated on the stovetop? Since always? Oh ok that’s cool.
So there I was standing in the middle of my kitchen, shards of glass all around me and butter running down the stove into a pool on the floor when I realized… I need some wine.
I bet you thought I was going to realize something like: “This is silly. Let’s just clean up and go to bed.”
BUT NO. When life gives me pictures of exes with new girlfriends lemons, I will give life a big fat lemon drop martini straight to the face (because apparently I’m a bartender now).
So I chugged some wine, pulled up my big girl pants (or perhaps didn’t judging by the picture), cleaned up my disaster and carried on with the task at hand, this time subbing oil for melted butter since that didn’t go so well the first time.
Deal with it.
What I was left with was this:
Blondies?
Still not willing to admit defeat, I trimmed off the charred edges and was left with a perfectly gooey, sticky, sweet-but-salty little bite. A small victory.
I also made a miniature mint chocolate cake for dinner.
Whatever.
Girl Code article 1, section 1: You can eat whatever you want.
Kate Nash is good angry music. Also get those chocolate covered pretzels and your pb. Go.
<3!
Sorry but random question: do you ever get worried that he reads your blog?
You did the right thing, deleting the Facebook account AND chugging wine! I deleted my ex the first day we broke up. No need to torture yourself. And clearly you’re moving on as well! Only time makes it feel better. Stupid but true.
I love your honesty! Baking or cooking helps me, too, when I’m feeling upset/stressed/anxious. Sucks about the pyrex dish, though :/ I woulda lost my mind. Good thinking on the wine
P.S. you’re hilarious and adorable. you won’t be single long
Bahahahaha
I deleted my FB for the very same reason one time. Except she wasn’t holding a pumpkin, they just looked so happy and I couldn’t stand it, nevermind that I had a boyfriend at the time. Still…there should be no happiness for the ex without us, NO. HAPPINESS. 
endeavor to persevere… and bake.
I think your reactions are 100% normal and sane. Who actually wants to see their ex happy?!
I don’t wish exes and their new significant others harm– just that they would be catapulted to another universe and cease to exist in mine.
Love this post.
you, my dear, are hilarious. and i fully agree with girl code article 13.
Um recipe please??!
And I feel you on the rage baking…I’ve done it many a time. Rage baking, stress baking, fear baking…you get the picture. All negative, high-energy emotions are easily channeled into baking, preferably late at night and while neglecting other responsibilities.
Ugh, ex stalking is the worst. Or, even WORSE YET – stalking your current boyfriend’s ex. Who was a NFL cheerleader. Nothing like that to make you feel like shizzzzz….what does girl code have to say about that one?
hahaha. step away from the computer, girl. STEP AWAY.
But…but…but…
Easier said than done!
I actually had my ex blocked on FB for most of this year. It was a mutual agreement we had in order to keep that protective distance. Blocking kept me from having to see even the tiniest, silliest comments he might make to one of our many, many mutual friends, since you never know what will set ya’ off, right? Anyway, that really helped. I got to stay on FB without all the pain.
So… you’ve been seeing someone for months and barely told us anything about him? And what he cooks, eats, does, thinks, etc.? We’re over Stan, Stim, Stew, was it?
Oh yes. I am feeling you on this today. What is it with exs always having some sort of hold over you?! I thought I saw the back of someone’s head today, (stupidly) mentioned something about it to him later because (obviously) I haven’t been able to stop him popping up in my brain since.. and it wasn’t even his head. He now thinks I’m a stalker and I feel like a crazy person. Pass the wine and the chocolate please?
I saw that picture too and the first thought that came to my mind was, “there is no way in hell I’d want to be the next girl someone dates after they’ve dated Katie.” You are going to blow everyone away and I’ve known that since freshman year of college! PS, when I feel that way about an ex and I feel like my blood is going to boil, I crank up Fiona’s Extraordinary Machine.
hahaha galen. i love you for this. thanks, girl. fiona’s on.
Hey poopface. I’m visiting so I can eat this. Okaybye. <3
Ohh Katie, you are too funny and awesome. I deleted my ex on Facebook too because even though you might think looking at him won’t affect you, it will in the tiniest ways. I wish I could delete my Facebook entirely but I would feel so unconnected and I need it for my job, which promotes events on there. Bleh.
So glad I stopped by! Blondies look amazing! (Sorry about the Pyrex)