Pretty.
There’s a difference between being alone and being lonely, I realize. It’s a fine line, blurry but razor sharp, and easily crossed if you’re not careful.
Sitting in a coffee shop reading and blogging and people watching: Blissfully alone.
Standing under a scalding hot shower at 3 o’clock in the morning, just standing there, until the water runs cold: Pretty damn lonely.
It’s all about perspective, of course. Is it a pen, or is it something else? I know the drill.
I feel like I’ve been going through this evolution this year from “Where am I going?” to “What am I doing?” to “Why can’t I do it right?”
At first I just wanted to run. I had this “anywhere but here” kind of mentality. I’ll find work anywhere but here. I’ll feel settled anywhere but here. I’ll be happy anywhere but here. It took a lot of growing up to let myself settle down, to just live somewhere without plotting my next move. So then it became not where you are but what you’re doing.
My mom always says “Bloom where you’re planted.” The point being that where you are (on the planet or in your life) shouldn’t dictate whether or not you thrive. Fair enough. So I started focusing instead on what I wanted to do with myself, independent of where I was. I thought I’d nailed it with the whole grad school thing, but we know I’ve been questioning that for a while now.
So then it becomes this question of: What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I get this right?
Today in microbiology (what the hell am I doing in microbiology?) we were talking about the growth of flagella on bacteria. (It’s the tail.)
Hey, guy.
The curious thing about flagella growth (that could be a book title… dibs!) is that it doesn’t move from the base outward like a plant rising up from the ground. Rather, it comes from the top down. Basically (I’m going to butcher this), a little cap attaches to where the tail should grow. But rather than the tail sprouting from the body and pushing the cap outward, the cap creates all these little layers that pile up on top of the base slowly pushing it up and away.
Shwaa? I know. In the end it’s the exact same growth in the exact same trajectory. But it leapt out at me today as I was sitting there just aching in class and my professor saying in her delightful British accent, “It’s such a strange way to grow.”
Ain’t that the truth.
That’s the only thing I wrote in my notes today: Strange way to grow.
Cool.
I think maybe that’s my problem. I’m fixing things slowly but surely, yes, but maybe I’m going backwards. I’m starting with the little details.
Where will I live? What will I do? Who will I be with?
And inching outward to bigger, scarier questions.
What am I doing wrong? What do I want? (Who do I want, perhaps?) Ultimately… Who am I?
I think that all of those questions are really, really difficult to answer. But I feel like the work I’m doing in yoga is getting me there. Like the whole practice has plopped down on top of my life like a little cap and it’s creating all these new thoughts, all this new possibility. Letting life build, layer upon layer of old stuff, to slowly push me upward.
Anyway. I watched the coolest documentary last night. Everyone in the world needs to see it.
I am going/was going through this over the course of last year. Like you, I ended a relationship that was keeping me healthy and balanced and not engulfed in my history of disordered eating. About 9 months ago, I found myself single. Commuting two hours. In a job I DON’T love. Bingeing. ALONE. 10 pounds heavier. Questioning everything.
Today, I’m in a much different place. Happier. Lonely occasionally, but happily single. Strong. On the road to recovery. Enjoying this growing period. Understanding life unfolds the way it should, that I need to relax, be open, and go with the flow a bit.
Yours and so many other blogs have helped me SO much through this period.
You seem to be going through a similar experience. But from an outsider, you aren’t doing ANYTHING wrong. You’ve made so many changes and are figuring yourself out. THIS is the journey. There is seriously NO destination. Try to be happy now. today. Because we won’t ever get our 20′s back. Or tomorrow. And you’ll look back wondering “WTF was wrong with me. Things were GOOD”
But a broken heart can cloud everything. So just give it TIME Time TIME. I sweaaaar it gets easier.
ox
I don’t think the questions that you’re asking are abnormal or the feeling that you’re feeling of them being difficult and daunting are abnormal either.
For the longest time I have tired to sort that out. I have tried to sort my eating out, my weight issues out, my career out..buy defining it. I do think it’s important to know what you DON’T want. I think then you just cast your seeds into the wind and go for it, within reason. There have been moments in my life where are incredibly calculated (ie ending my career path to go back to school as a nurse). But my finding love with a man, my finding peace with my body/food/weight have been due to the exact sense that your mom as said…grow where you are. You may not be ‘where you want to be’, but remember it’s the journey. It’s the breathes, it’s the poses, it’s the present.
I always try to remind myself ‘how do I want to travel’ instead of ‘where do I want to go.’
bacteria are beautiful. if you subscribe to the belief of evolution, we’ve all come from organisms as diverse and strategic as these.
on the subject of flagellar construction: similar bacterial structures exist outside of the cell called fimbriae and they are made in the same manner: from the cap, out. but, these little protrusions (you can see them surrounding the bacteria above) are involved in attachment, not movement. so in the same way a bug can build from within to make a directed movement, the bug can also build lots of tiny fibers from within to make an attachment. BUT, bacteria don’t like to generally make both structures at the same time, so they (and we) are presented with a choice: to stay put and stay attached, or to focus energy on something else and move.
microbes have it figured out. maybe we’ll catch up to them someday.
That movie is really good.
For a couple of months last year, I wanted to live anywhere, be anywhere, do anything except where I was living/what I was doing—in the worst way possible. For reasons I can’t explain, that desire to run tapered off in the last few months. I wish I could give you advice based on my own experience, but (to be entirely honest) I think I was finally just tired of feeling like I wanted to bolt and decided to deal with the situation I’m in. I think people call that “settling,” but for now, it’s all I can do.
This is a really lovely entry. Everyone grows differently and figures things out in their own way – don’t feel like you are doing something wrong because your path is different from someone else’s.
The questions you’re asking are really the important ones, and IMO, not enough people are brave enough to really explore them. Those who avoid asking themselves “who am I?” and “what is really important to me” are missing out on a lot. You may have chosen the more difficult path but in the end it’s the more rewarding one. Keep on keepin’ on.
I recently found your blog and started going through your old posts (when I have time amid my own grad work) because I enjoy them so much. I also have low-maintenance curly hair, an enthusiasm for veggie goodness, and an excellent obsession with my pet (a corgi).
Not that you needed a back story as to why I felt compelled to comment on this particular entry.
I feel that I am in a very strange place like you. What really speaks to me is your question, “What am I doing wrong?”
In many ways I have done things “right.” I graduated successfully with a BA in humanities, got into a graduate program for library/information science, and am now about halfway through the program with an internship. Sounds like you are being “successful” in your program, too.
Really I’ve always wanted to be a writer, but I doubted my own ability to get a stable income that way, so took a practical route.
Some days are fine, some days I even think, “Hey, I found my place. I might belong here.” But most days, I am tired of it. I am tired and confused and sad. I just want to get out of school and get a job, but I am afraid I will never be satisfied with my job. And I am afraid I can’t go back now, leave my graduate program when I am this far in. Perhaps you can relate.
I still don’t know what I’m “doing wrong” or what I really want to do, but I do know one thing… all we can do is keep trying. Keep asking those questions, keep confronting what others are too afraid to confront. Find the philosophy of your life, and apply it to all you experience. You will find a richer satisfaction from a deeper understanding of yourself in life than many others can imagine.
I did that when my 3+ year relationship ended, one in which I believed I would be getting married. I just kept hoping for the future, going on dates to see what it was like, enduring some anguish. I kept an open mind, accepted I may end up alone, and soon enough I met the love of my life.
Given our curly hair, veggie and pet enthusiasm, I think this is inevitable for you as well.
And if we’re lucky, our careers will take the same path.
I loved every word of this. Thank you.
Hi Katie,
I just found your blog. You have some very wise, and very kind readers/commenters.
I just wanted to send some good juju to you. The questions that you’re asking and the quest you are on, are not always fun, but you are doing good work, and allowing things to unfold, and that’s very important. Keep doing your thing. (I just started the hot yoga myself, and if that doesn’t burn through to the good stuff, I don’t know what would!)
All the best to you,
Shea
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