Cheap, Effective Birth Control

Bigass salad.

There’s one cat on top of the fridge. Crying. A puppy on the ground. Also crying. Another cat somewhere nearby just hissing for the hell of it. Welcome to my 4×6-foot kitchen. I just want lunch. Please, God. Lunch.

I’m looking at new mothers with a whole new level of respect over here. I bet you love me comparing your baby to a puppy, don’t you? Love me over dramatizing┬ámy 72-hour experience with a small animal. Love that I will trivialize the immensity of motherhood by comparing it to one weekend with a black lab. Throw me a bone (dog joke!) it’s all I’ve got to work with.

So yes. With this puppy, I am humbled.

You know the only thing that has shut him up and calmed him down in the last two days? Celery. Correct, celery.

When it rolled off the cutting board, perhaps he confused it for an animal part of some sort. But I assume it was really the novelty of seeing a vegetable for the first time (my brother does not consume produce). Whatever the reason, it kept him pleasantly distracted just long enough for me to craft a towering salad masterpiece and shove it in my face.

Yeah, boy.

You know what I want to do today? I want to bake a billion things. I want to get a pedicure. I want to memorize a whole lot of sanskrit. I want to go to three yoga classes. I want to ride my bike. I want to clean my house. I want to do my laundry. Instead? I am feeling trapped (quite literally caged) in my little apartment.

This is the most effective birth control I have taken in my life and the surest way to remind one as dead set on rushing towards stability as myself that maybe, just maybe a little free-wheeling, spontaneous, irresponsible, selfish time in my mid-twenties is a right fine place to be.

16 thoughts on “Cheap, Effective Birth Control

  1. ABSOLUTELY!!! We have to enjoy this freedom which occasionally and OFTEN comes with confusion, stress and indecision. BUT it’S FUN and we are FREE and that is priceless

  2. Oh, the joys of having a puppy! I’ve now had Olive for 2.5 months and I fully, fully embrace the dog crate. I felt bad about it at first, but it’s the only way I can get anything done. The trainer we’re working with has assured me that it’s better for all involved if Olive’s in the crate when I can’t directly supervise her. I highly recommend it, even if you’re only watching the puppy for a few days at a time.

    Olive doesn’t even chew her food, so unfortunately, the celery trick wouldn’t work for her. Otherwise, I’d be stockpiling it. It will get better…that’s what I’m telling myself. ;)

  3. I have a 3yr old dog…I love her, I do…but she is demanding and a lot of work. Sigh.
    Then my friends started having real live babies and sometimes they don’t even have time to brush their teeth. Wtf…. And their nipples bleed. That is enough info to scare me off for awhile.

  4. Oh I totally agree. When I adopted a dog a few years ago I wouldn’t even consider getting one under 18 months old, because I have the maternal instincts of a jaded fruit fly.

  5. Just a plug for pet adoption, by the way, I adopted a 4 year old dog, and now he couldn’t be more tightly bonded to me if I’d bottlefed him as a puppy. He is literally never more than 3 feet away from me if he has the option. I think some people are afraid an animal will never bond to them if they don’t raise it themselves, but that’s a big misconception. Okay stepping down off soapbox now!

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