Sweet and Pale

Baked tofu, roasted broccoli, quinoa, sunflower seeds

Tonight’s burst of extreme productivity brought to you by HORMONES.

I wish so badly that I could make men understand what it feels like to feel certifiably insane once every 30 days. Perhaps one month when I’m not busy directing all my rage towards cleaning the living shit out of everything in my life, I will spend some time developing a pill that makes men PMS. It’s gonna be great.

Speaking of being insane…

SO. This month I chose to channel my crazy into my car, which smells as though a sloth wearing sweaty, week-old yoga clothes had crawled inside, pooped his pants and then died. I’m serious. I suppose this scenario is pretty much accurate except that it’s me wearing the sweaty yoga clothes and I haven’t pooped my pants. Or died. Basically I’m sweaty all the time.

Not ALL the time.

I went to town with Armor All and Febreeze for fabric and Febreeze for air and Febreeze clip on vent thingies. Completing this task after dark meant I definitely looked like a a homicidal looney toon frantically disposing of DNA evidence while my neighbors watched on in horror from behind cracked blinds. But you know what? I think Vince is looking rather dapper and smells so fresh and so clean, clean. (Vince is my car, obviously.)

Moving on… You know what’s a bad idea? Going to Target. Ever. You know what’s a worse idea? Going to Target when you’re having a little episode. Has anyone ever spent less than $50 in Target? No. The answer is no.


Seriously, Katie?

All I needed was kitty litter but what I wanted was a bowl of retro-box sweet childhood nostalgia and to not be pale anymore. Tricky, tricky product placement, you merchandising jerks.

I do feel I deserve a little self tanner in the dead of March, though. (It’s definitely going to be 70 degrees here this week. You may smack me.) Because you know what I did today? Took a beast of a microbiology exam. It was not cool. Not cool at all.

I was up until well after midnight, up again before 5am and all kinds of unprepared regardless.

Nevertheless, I escaped unharmed with a little help from my dear and loving roommate…


I definitely nailed the essays and bombed the multiple choice. I realize this is backwards. What can I say? I’m wordy.

So now here I sit–after a big, beautiful plate of baked tofu and roasted broccoli and quinoa and sunflower seeds–with mint tea and a snickerdoodle blondie, thanking the dear sweet baby Jesus that next week is Spring Break.

This is what happens when we run out of paper towels.

Tomorrow this will be Cinnamon Toast Crunch...

16 thoughts on “Sweet and Pale

  1. This past Friday I went to Target after work for deodorant, and left with yellow cake mix (to make those damn blondies you posted about– which PS, don’t do that anyone, use Katie’s recipe instead of the pre-mixed box because they were gross and I still ate HALF THE PAN IN ONE NIGHT), the Pride & Prejudice movie, champagne, socks (what?), a scarf, and Caesar salad dressing. Guess what I didn’t get? Deodorant. I realized I was PMS-ing on Sunday. When you get that PMS-for-men pill made, hook a sister up.

  2. I love Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I think Kashi makes a slightly healthier version, but sometimes you just need a little nostalgia. And some self-tanner. It happens.

    Congrats on being done with your exam!

  3. Target is the worst. I once went in there to buy lightbulbs, and came out with halloween socks, $10 worth of candy, and a DVD of The Little Mermaid. Totally forgot about the lighbulbs.

    Also, if you discover the secret to getting the smell out of your sweaty yoga clothes, please let me know. Hot Yoga sweat has a special odor all its own, and it’s pretty much impossible to get rid of.

  4. I just lol’d so hard at the dead sloth comment. And yes, Target is run by demons who refuse to let you leave until you’ve spent at least $100. It’s a fact.

  5. Funny post & the best way not to spend money at Target? Don’t go! I know I’m a genius but for real I don’t go and just go to the boring grocery store where they don’t have clothes but they do have cinnamon toast crunch!!!!!!!

  6. Here’s a weird PMS thing: My lips get super chapped before every period. Every damn month. It’s annoying!

  7. I cleaned my car this weekend too thanks to raging hormones! Mine didn’t smell but it was full of Starbucks straw wrappers and random dirty clothes…I swear I don’t know how that bra ended up in the back seat. Or at least that’s what I told my dad.

  8. You want to talk hormonal?

    Last night I cried because my boyfriend was taking too long to get in the shower. It’s so ridiculous that it’s not even worth explaining to you, but it happened. And the entire time, I was saying to myself “I cannot believe this is really making you cry, Hillary. Pull yourself together.”

    Then I ate peanut butter and chocolate chips out of the jar with a spoon. I’m a walking cliche.

  9. Love this post for so many reasons. I have to have the windows down after I get in the car sweaty. I also get really embarrassed when I leave a nice wet mark on my leather seats…even if its just me, myself and I. I love the note. I usually put something similar in my husband’s carry on when he goes away on business. Target is out of control. I try to limit myself by not even going to some areas in the store. It’s too damn tempting.

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