Tea and cookies make my world go 'round.
It’s kind of funny.
This last year has been a real bitch of an existence for me. I’m in a good spot now (and by “good” I mean I don’t cry myself to sleep or think about driving my car into the median), but I don’t know that I’ve necessarily got it all figured out. Somehow that feels very ok.
In retrospect, looking back on the last year (or three) I’m beginning to feel like maybe I had it easy. Where I am now–nearing the end of my schooling and the beginning of whatever the hell is next–I’m starting to feel like all the crying and feeling sorry for yourself and playing the victim… that’s child’s play. Pulling yourself up off the ground, getting your life together and going after what you want? That’s the real challenge. That is now.
“It’s easier to burn than to build. It’s easier to hurt than to heal.”
I feel like I have regained my footing. I’ve settled in to Charlotte. I have friends. I know shortcuts and street names and bartenders’ names. I feel like I belong, like I’m at home. But I also feel like I’ve lost a little bit of myself in the process, like in stripping off all these layers of muck I’m perhaps pulling away pieces of myself. As it turns out, that’s ok, too.
I was in meditation yesterday and this beautiful passage was read. It is something to the effect of:
“What I see, hear, smell and feel (physically and emotionally) constantly changes and only has a temporary reality. This is not real and thus is not who I am. I am unchangeable and eternal.”
This is huge. What this means, then (if it means anything to you), is that all the hurt, all the fear, all the doubt does not define who I am. These are just constantly changing emotions. I am constant. Period.
So yes. Maybe the breakdown, in the end, was the easy part. After all, it’s easy to shatter a glass into a million pieces, right? Far more challenging to put it back together. Putting it back together is where I am now.
So my life fell apart? So what. This is where the real work begins. This is the rebuilding. And it’s nothing but possibility.
Appropriately enough, that’s what my intention was tonight in Adam’s class: possibility. It’s just the first thing that popped into my head. Sounds about right.
Chinese chicken salad but with tofu.
Afterwards I went to dinner at Cowfish with Viva la Mitch and Adam. If ever you cannot locate me (and why couldn’t you since I live on the Internet?), you’ll find me with one of these two gems. They’re both failing miserably at Twitter so please feel free to stalk the living shit out of them until they learn to stop using Twitter as a verb. As in: “I’ll Twitter you later.” [@ashestoash and @adamwhiting. Get after it.]
We killed some sweet potato fries (as we do) and I crafted the world’s most perfect salad.
I need an iphone.
I usually get the Greek chicken salad with fried tofu instead of chicken, but tonight I went with the Chinese chicken salad with grilled tofu and IT.WAS.BOMB. Best salad I’ve ever had.
SO… last weekend in teacher training we had to bring in a playlist for a one-hour class. By popular demand, here is mine:
Glitter in the Air - This song is just pretty. If you didn’t know it was Pink you… wouldn’t know it was Pink. I love every word of it. So sweet.
I Won’t – This song crushes my soul. But I like it. The quote above comes from here. Takin it easy. Nice and slow…
I Would Die 4 U - While I swore I’d never listen to another Prince song so long as I live, this one is just too good. Movin a little bit…
It’s Around You - This song is everything. Flawless. It makes me feel invincible. Time build up a little heat.
Call Your Girlfriend – Robyn’s back and better than ever (and on this playlist THRICE). The lyrics are brilliant.
Dirt Off Remix – If there’s one thing I love more than Jay-Z, it’s a Jay-Z mashup. I hate Linkin Park (a LOT) but… ignore them. Listen to Jay with that beat behind him. BOUNCE. And we’re off.
Tightrope – Janelle Monae can do no wrong. Aaaaand… DANCE.
You Can Do It – No Doubt throwback, anyone? All the way to Tragic Kingdom. At this point I’m all “Standing split… HOLD.” And you’re all “Nope.” But Gwen Stefani’s all like “You can do it!” So you’re all like ” (BAM).”
Cold War - More Janelle Monae. It’s just a get-up-and-dance kind of song.
Change Clothes – Jay-Z vs. Prince mashup. YES. I can’t find a link to the version I have. Rest assured it is the best one.
Dancing On My Own – Kind of sad. Kind of awesome. Get it, girl.
Hang With Me – Robyn again?? Deal with it. This is kind of my life a little bit. Slowing it down.
Warm Whispers – Just a lovely song. Slow stretching and laying in pools of sweat. It’s beautiful.
Before We Say Goodbye – Remember 2gether? The fake boy band that MTV created at the height of the boy band craze? This spoof is hilarious. So that when I put you in frog you’re all like, “I’m in so much pain but this song is funny so I will let it go.”
Anthems for a 17-year-old Girl – I crashed my car to this song. It’s a trip, building into this beautifully numbing crescendo. I was seriously so far gone in my head I didn’t know what was going on until I was in somebody’s trunk. I feel like listening to it while laying in savasana is safer.
And that’s that. See you in class? Cool.