If you ever feel like you’re going to punch someone, let me be the first to tell you: You should just eat a peanut butter cup instead.
I recently (as in since Saturday) started going to Fight Gone Mad, an “athletic conditioning program, facility and lifestyle focused on intense interval training coupled with athletic movements.” My favorite part of the workout is punching things. I did not know this about myself.
I’ve only ever almost punched a person three times.
The first was in middle school. This kid (You know who you are, Colin, you turd.) used to torment me relentlessly. Let me backtrack and explain that on the first day of sixth grade I wore denim short overalls (shortalls, duh) “styled” with a white t-shirt emblazoned with an embroidered sunflower, white Keds (clearly), and a thick white headband that I (wait for it…) pinned a giant fake sunflower to.
I guess I would’ve tormented me, too.
Anyway, this kid was constantly berating me about everything and nothing for three years straight until finally (finally) one day in 8th grade I grabbed the neck of his stupid sunflower-less t-shirt, yanked him within inches of my face, and–through clenched teeth–hissed, “DO NOT… EVER… TALK TO ME AGAIN. EVER.”
No one has ever heard this story ever, but I trust my dad is currently giving the 8th grade version of me a standing ovation.
The second time I almost punched (nay, mauled) someone was in high school.
I was at a party because someone’s parents were out of town again (why do parents ever think this is a good idea?) and my idiot friends (who were all boys two years older than me because that’s how old my brother is and he was never mean enough to tell me I couldn’t hang out with them) felt this a fitting time to invite my nemesis over to drink cheap beer and Hunch Punch. Good call, guys!
She was two years older than me, as well, and hated me simply for existing. Why I hadn’t already punched her is truly still a mystery to me but probably had to do with the fact that I was in the National Honor Society and never smoked weed and will clearly never punch anyone in my whole life.
Anyway, when she rolled up into the party that night whispering that she was going to fight me, all bets were off. We both talked a big game all night, shooting dirty looks across a crowded basement and promising to “TAKE IT OUTSIDE, BITCH.” But nothing happened or even came close to happening until she came up behind me, dangling a red Solo cup full of keg beer over my head. Which is when I lunged at her and had to be held back like a rabid opossum.
We eventually talked it out and laughed it off years later when she was in college and back for a party during some break. It occurred to me then that people who come back to high school parties in college are too pitiful to be punched. And that was the end of that.
The third and final time I almost punched lots of people was probably that time I lived in a house with 25 strange (as in weird, not unknown) girls all trying to date the same guy. Probably.
- 3 tablespoons nut butter
- 1 tsp – 1 Tbsp maple syrup or powdered sugar (optional, recommended)
- 2 tablespoons coconut oil
- 2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder
- 2 teaspoons powdered sugar (optional, recommended)
- Mix together nut butter and maple syrup (more if you want it sweet, less if you don’t; i didn’t use any)
- Microwave coconut oil for 15 seconds to soften, and then mix in cocoa powder and optional sugar
- Scoop nut butter into 3 lined muffin cups, and top with melted coconut chocolate sauce
- Freeze for at least two hours before eating
Coconut oil is solid but melts at a really low temperature so keep these babies in the freezer. Melting it down to mix in the cocoa powder (and optional powdered sugar) gives you a chocolate sauce you can pour over the PB cups. Once you pop it in the freezer it re-solidifies into a chocolate bar. MAGIC.
If we’re talking “healthier” in terms of fat and calories, no these are not “healthier” for you than a Reese’s cup. But if you’re talking healthier as in what health actually is with lots of good fat and antioxidants and real food, then yes. These win. Sweeten them to your liking, or don’t if you’re down with some seriously nutty dark chocolate taste.
*I don’t condone punching people. Ever, really. Especially if you’re me and will immediately get your ass kicked into the ground.