Healthier(ish) Reese’s Cups

If you ever feel like you’re going to punch someone, let me be the first to tell you: You should just eat a peanut butter cup instead.

I recently (as in since Saturday) started going to Fight Gone Mad, an “athletic conditioning program, facility and lifestyle focused on intense interval training coupled with athletic movements.” My favorite part of the workout is punching things. I did not know this about myself.

I’ve only ever almost punched a person three times.

The first was in middle school. This kid (You know who you are, Colin, you turd.) used to torment me relentlessly. Let me backtrack and explain that on the first day of sixth grade I wore denim short overalls (shortalls, duh) “styled” with a white t-shirt emblazoned with an embroidered sunflower, white Keds (clearly), and a thick white headband that I (wait for it…) pinned a giant fake sunflower to.

I guess I would’ve tormented me, too.

Anyway, this kid was constantly berating me about everything and nothing for three years straight until finally (finally) one day in 8th grade I grabbed the neck of his stupid sunflower-less t-shirt, yanked him within inches of my face, and–through clenched teeth–hissed, “DO NOT… EVER… TALK TO ME AGAIN. EVER.”

No one has ever heard this story ever, but I trust my dad is currently giving the 8th grade version of me a standing ovation.

The second time I almost punched (nay, mauled) someone was in high school.

I was at a party because someone’s parents were out of town again (why do parents ever think this is a good idea?) and my idiot friends (who were all boys two years older than me because that’s how old my brother is and he was never mean enough to tell me I couldn’t hang out with them) felt this a fitting time to invite my nemesis over to drink cheap beer and Hunch Punch. Good call, guys!

She was two years older than me, as well, and hated me simply for existing. Why I hadn’t already punched her is truly still a mystery to me but probably had to do with the fact that I was in the National Honor Society and never smoked weed and will clearly never punch anyone in my whole life.

Anyway, when she rolled up into the party that night whispering that she was going to fight me, all bets were off. We both talked a big game all night, shooting dirty looks across a crowded basement and promising to “TAKE IT OUTSIDE, BITCH.” But nothing happened or even came close to happening until she came up behind me, dangling a red Solo cup full of keg beer over my head. Which is when I lunged at her and had to be held back like a rabid¬†opossum.

We eventually talked it out and laughed it off years later when she was in college and back for a party during some break. It occurred to me then that people who come back to high school parties in college are too pitiful to be punched. And that was the end of that.

The third and final time I almost punched lots of people was probably that time I lived in a house with 25 strange (as in weird, not unknown) girls all trying to date the same guy. Probably.

5.0 from 1 reviews

Healthier(ish) Reese’s Cups
Author: 
Prep time: 
Total time: 

Serves: 3
 

Ingredients
  • 3 tablespoons nut butter
  • 1 tsp – 1 Tbsp maple syrup or powdered sugar (optional, recommended)
  • 2 tablespoons coconut oil
  • 2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder
  • 2 teaspoons powdered sugar (optional, recommended)

Instructions
  1. Mix together nut butter and maple syrup (more if you want it sweet, less if you don’t; i didn’t use any)
  2. Microwave coconut oil for 15 seconds to soften, and then mix in cocoa powder and optional sugar
  3. Scoop nut butter into 3 lined muffin cups, and top with melted coconut chocolate sauce
  4. Freeze for at least two hours before eating

Notes
You can use any nut butter you want (peanut, almond, cashew, etc.) I did not add any sweetener to mine but normal people will probably want it. Add a little liquid sweetener to your nut butter (honey, agave, or maple syrup) and powdered sugar to your cocoa powder if you want it. Keep these stored in the freezer or they’ll melt

Coconut oil is solid but melts at a really low temperature so keep these babies in the freezer. Melting it down to mix in the cocoa powder (and optional powdered sugar) gives you a chocolate sauce you can pour over the PB cups. Once you pop it in the freezer it re-solidifies into a chocolate bar. MAGIC.

If we’re talking “healthier” in terms of fat and calories, no these are not “healthier” for you than a Reese’s cup. But if you’re talking healthier as in what health actually is with lots of good fat and antioxidants and real food, then yes. These win. Sweeten them to your liking, or don’t if you’re down with some seriously nutty dark chocolate taste.

*I don’t condone punching people. Ever, really. Especially if you’re me and will immediately get your ass kicked into the ground.

28 thoughts on “Healthier(ish) Reese’s Cups

  1. In 3rd grade, some kid took my headband off of my head and broke it in half on the bus. I got off at his stop, chased him into the woods, and punched him in the back.

    Girl power.

  2. A eighth grader used to make fun of my “grandma shoes” when I was in seventh grade (which is ironic because they actually were my grandma’s shoes), and my mom’s advice was to ask her, “Who pissed in your Wheaties?” Um, yeah, good call, Mom. I have adapted this phrase, as a food blogger, to be, “Who pissed in your overnight oats?” Use as you deem necessary.

  3. Umm, correction. You’ve almost punched a person four times… #4 When I credit-carded you. At Kennedy’s. I’m still laughing at this.

  4. Katie, we were in 6th grade at the same time, and I promise you that I also had a pair (ok, three pairs) of shortalls AND a sunflower pin (except I pinned mine to a Blossom-style hat, not a headband. And I have the school picture to prove it. Fashionismylife).

  5. In my third grade picture, I had a sunflower inspired outfit with a denim jumper instead of shortalls. I also had two tigs tails on the tippy top of my head & each one had it’s own huge sunflower hair tie. I also had glasses that took up my whole face….so, there’s that.

    But these “reese’s cups” look delicious :)

  6. I wanted to punch people every day of 5th grade. Instead, I got punched, when I insisted on telling everyone who told me to shut up, “My shut up machine is out of order, so shut up yourself and save a quarter.” I deserved it.

  7. I read this with bated breath… praying I wasn’t going to be in the list of “almost punched” instances. I deserved it for “Can you feel that? Does it suck?” And does falling out of Jack’s car in Gambrell circle and knocking me to the ground as I cushioned your fall on the hard asphalt count?

  8. I have almost punched many people over the years, but I have really only hauled off and punched someone (a guy-in the face) once. It’s a very long story, but the only important parts are a) he totally deserved it and b) he fell down.

  9. Despite being taller than everyone else my age since…forever…I’ve always been a pacifist. Not really one for fighting unless it was my siblings and they don’t count.

    When I was 8 I went all crazy-mama-bear and punched a girl because she made my little brother cry.

    Oh and when I was 7 I had a crush on this kid at school except he was like half my size and threw rocks at me so I picked him up and threw him on the ground. I like to think my flirting skills have improved since then.

    • Oh, and more on topic, I’m going to eat the hell out of these Reese’s cups as soon as I have time to make them. Nomnom.

  10. That made me laugh so hard! Gosh I love stories of young silly stupidity.

    Also, Sally you’re gross. I can’t decide if your comment was passive aggressive or just aggressive.

    I wanted to punch my 3rd grade PE teacher (otherwise known as my friends mom) in the face when on Fitness Monday we had to seal crawl across the gym. I got gaping holes in the knees of my fav hot pink stirrup pants. 90′s fashion was oh so sweet. I also had a pair of shortalls. They were Limited Too and they made me feel magical.

  11. Roller skating birthday party. 6th grade. A boy, let’s call him Jared (because his name was Jared) tripped me (I later found out that he “liked me”), and I fell and broke all four fingers in the growth plate. A lot of crying ensued, but not before I got up, skated over to him, and punched him in the face with my other hand.

  12. Katie – I just recently found your blog and want to thank you for being equal parts hilarious and honest. I have been debating signing up for yoga teacher training for the classic time and money reasons, but read through your posts and I’ve decided to go for it. So, thanks!

  13. I first read this to say “I’ve only ever punched a person three times.” I was thinking “Wow…that’s actually kind of a lot…and really surprising!” (So hard to imagine you punching people, not once, but THREE times.) LOL

  14. I just made these! They’re in the freezer! I popped the nut butter in the microwave for 30 seconds so I could stir in the honey more easily :-) . Thanks for the recipe!

  15. I had a nemesis in grade school who tormented me pretty much from Kindergarten through 6th grade, for no discernable reason. I put up with it the entire time, following my mom’s advice and “taking the high road”. In 6th grade, through an unfortunate twist of fate, this guy had the locker directly above me. Occasionally, he would “accidentally” drop things on my head as I was getting my books and thought this was hilarious. One fateful day, after being bombarded by some sort of ugly arts-and-crafts object, I’d just sort of had enough. I noticed from the corner of my eye that he was standing pretty solidly on the top edge of my sweatpants, so I just grabbed them and yanked HARD without even thinking twice about it. I have never seen anything go down faster than that kid. I will say this – that guy did not mess with me again.

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