I’m in a weird, weird spot with my yoga.
I’m coming up on my 1-year teaching anniversary and I haven’t practiced in a week and I have no desire to. In the month leading up to this week off I’ve practiced only sporadically. What was once a daily devotion is slowly becoming an only-when-I-feel-like-it duty. And that’s an ugly place for me to be.
It has nothing to do with the Yoga (with a capital Y) itself but with the fact that I’ve made yoga my business. That I’ve taken what was once this beautiful hour-long escape and turned it into a full-time, bill-paying job.
I’m sure this is true of any situation where you make a hobby or a passion a full-time career, but what I’ve found is that it has caused me to distance myself from my personal practice. And that, in turn, has left me flailing for something as grounding and inspiring to hold on to. I have yet to find anything.
I don’t know if other yoga teachers experience this, but I can’t seem separate myself from the “work” of yoga long enough to land back into the practice of yoga.
I hate that.
It’s no one’s fault, but I think the nature of the beast is that it’s hard for people tell which hat I have on at any given time–yoga teacher, yoga student, yoga studio marketing director–and so I’m just all of them all the time. But sometimes, lots of times, I (very selfishly) just want to be the student again.
I want to quietly roll out my mat, not say a word to anyone, and just get lost in my practice. I want to cry because I’m so happy to be on my mat, not because I’m so dreading it. That doesn’t happen anymore.
I don’t know if I’m the only one experiencing this, but I feel that way. I’m certain these are just normal growing pains and that things will even back out. And I’m really only certain of that because they have to or I will surely go crazy.