There aren’t a whole lot of surefire things in this life, but of one thing I am certain: Having cats (plural) is not a man magnet.
Let me repeat: Cats are man repellers.
Porque? I’ll tell you.
5 Reasons Men Avoid Women with Cats
- Cats Never Die – Oh. New girlfriend’s got a kitten? And you hate it? Hold on to your butt, buddy, because Skittles is probably gonna be around to see your grandkids. The oldest living cat according to Guinness is 24 years old, but Wikipedia (the gold standard for accurate, hard-hitting facts) says Creme Puff lived to be 38. So don’t be surprised if you hear unofficial reports from people with 30- and 35-year-old cats. Because cats are immortal. Look at it this way. I’m 27. Ralph and Weaz will live well into their 30s because I will stop at nothing short of giving them my own organs to keep them alive. So yeah, I’ll be Caturday-ing right on into retirement. Deal with it. Some may claim a long feline life expectancy is thanks to a cat’s mythical 9 lives, but I will tell you the truth: Cats never die because their lunatic owners won’t let them.
- Cats are Not Nice – When you enter into a relationship with already established dependents (like someone already has kids or a dog or something else you have to feed on the regular), it is assumed that disapproval from any one of the aforementioned dependents is grounds for a breakup. File this one under “deal breakers” along with Lives With Parents and Wears Crocs. What I’m saying is if I’m interested in a guy and his dog hates me, I’m out. The advantage here is that it’s really easy to get a dog to like you because dogs aren’t very discerning and will show affection to most living things with access to treats. Cats, however, are pretty hard to impress. I know this because I adopted Weaz straight outta the womb and still she will wake me up at 4am just because she can. So if you think you’re gonna waltz up into some girl’s life and her cat will be on board just because you’re in love, think again. That cat hates you as much as you hate it. Enjoy your next 40 years together.
- Cats Don’t Need You – Ralph is a MF lion. She’s a street-smart, hardened stray who thinks she’s a goddamn lion. She catches bugs in midair with one swipe and ninja sneak attacks Weaz on the daily. That I fill her bowl with food is of little concern to her overall wellbeing. She could make it on her own hustling catnip in 4th Ward. Excluding times when Weaz gets stuck in cabinets, closets and assorted other tight spaces, even she doesn’t really need me to survive. So if you, Prince Charming, think you’re here sweep a cat-owning woman off her damsel-in-distressed feet, you’ll become painfully aware that, just like her cats, babygirl don’t need no man.
- Cats Multiply – Much like Lays potato chips, you can never have just one cat. A girl with one cat is what I like to call “pre-pluralized.” When you get fired you say you’re “in between jobs” because you’re actively on the hunt for your next. When you have one cat, you’re “in between cats.” A girl with one cat may not even realize it, but I promise you she is actively on the hunt for her next one… or eight.
- Like Pet, Like Owner – You know how in 101 Dalmations they show a montage of a bunch of owners who look like their dogs? That. Sort of. I’m not saying I look like Ralphie (though I’d gladly accept the compliment), but I am saying that cat owners are cat-like. And since we’ve already established that cats are mean and independent, you see where I’m going with this analogy.
So imagine my surprise when a real life man approached me the other day with this never-before-heard line:
“Your cat shirt is awesome.”
Yeah, I was wearing a cat t-shirt in public. That’s not the point. The point is that a man noticed it and liked it. Come again?
Upon closer inspection, this man is an anomaly. Look at his laser-cat hat:
And so the fact still remains: cats repel men (excluding those wearing laser-cat hats).
Ralph and Weaz are on Twitter
You knew this day would come. Ralph and Weaz are all up on the tweeter. They spend most of their time talking to @McDonalds and I’m not kidding. Go follow.