I eat chocolate every single day. I consider chickpeas kind of worth celebrating. My favorite three hours of the day are breakfast, lunch and dinner. (And I usually give myself that much time for each, yes.) I carry snacks everywhere because I get grumpy when food is not readily accessible. This one time I may have lost my mind when Adam didn’t order Chinese food as expected and we didn’t get to eat until 10pm. Last night I went to dinner “not hungry” and left after a 3-course meal saying the words: “Yes, all Oreos should be deep fried.”
This should give you a pretty good idea of how I fared on my first (and last) 3-day juice cleanse.
The fine folks over at Skinny Limits in Austin, TX offered to send me a free three-day cleanse to review (and after this post I assure you they will regret it). That’s eighteen color-coded, numbered juices overnighted from Texas with detailed instructions on how to succeed (and thrive) without food for three days. People ask me all the time if juice cleanses are nutritionally sound or even a good idea and while science does not support any of the “detoxifying” claims, I figured personal experience would help me form an opinion. Plus, how hard could it be, right?
I started day 1 off on the right track with a pancake and coffee. To be fair, the juice wouldn’t arrive until 10:30am and I wasn’t about to just sit there and wait.
When the juice arrived at my doorstep, I neatly arranged the bottles one by one in my fridge so all I had to do was go down the line and follow the instructions and not eat any more pancakes.
That night Adam and I went to see World War Z and had to sneak in two of my juices so I wouldn’t cry the whole time about the fact that I couldn’t have Diet Coke and Lemonheads. (I did anyway.) Also for the record, the Z in World War Z stands for zombies. I am terrified of zombies and did not know this. You have been warned.
The next morning I was scheduled to speak to a group of middle school students about PlateShare at a summer tech camp. (Let it be known that any kid who answers “Learn Java script!” to the question “What are you doing with the rest of your afternoon?” will one day be a millionaire.)
It had been 24 hours since my last bite of solid food (the contraband pancake, of course) so imagine my surprise (and horror) when my stomach turned on me, quite literally, and landed me in the bathroom minutes before the presentation. This is my life.
I did succeed to sound like a professional and not poop in my pants so that’s great. But by noon I was up to my eyeballs in errands–oil change, gas station, car wash, etc.–and already plotting my juice cleanse escape route by way of three shots of espresso.
I went to Starbucks and got the biggest iced coffee you’ve ever seen, graciously accepting the third shot of espresso they’d “accidentally” already pulled. There are no accidental espresso pours when someone hasn’t eaten or been caffeinated in a day. It was divine intervention.
“I quit the juice cleanse,” I said to my friend Tanya behind the counter. “Right now.”
“Yeah girl, I wasn’t gonna say anything,” she said, sliding the coffee across the counter. “I know it’s tough. My longest cleanse was 30 days.”
THIRTY DAYS. I clocked out after precisely 30 hours. Can’t win ‘em all.
To be fair, Skinny Limits‘ juices are really good. My favorites were the Green Firefly (kale and pineapple), Scorpion Lemonade (cayenne lemonade), and Crescent Moon (cashew milk). But they are probably a whole lot better as a beverage alongside a plate of actual food. They also have very prompt and courteous customer service and the juices arrive on time and in perfect condition. Nevertheless, I will never do it again.
So with this little adventure we have learned several things:
- I hate juice cleanses.
- I love food.
- Juice may or may not make you poop a lot.
- Always drink coffee.
- Beware the zombie apocalypse (which is probably better than a 3-day juice cleanse).